12th Street Ricky was arrested yesterday after a four-state crime spree which terrorized parts of Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, and Arkansas.
The senseless rampage started in southeastern Kansas just north of the Oklahoma border. According to law enforcement sources, it was there that 12th Street Ricky hijacked a DC-3 cargo plane after throwing its pilot down a mine shaft. A search and rescue team of first responders found the pilot alive, but his left arm had been partially eaten. 12th Street Ricky allegedly burned the aircraft which was a total loss.
12th Street Ricky then headed south across the border into Oklahoma. It was there that he destroyed the entire town of Picher, Oklahoma, which had previously been destroyed by a tornado some years before after having been previously destroyed some years before that, and declared a notorious Superfund site, due to the adverse environmental effects of lead mining.
While in Picher, he climbed atop a gigantic slag heap and began a reign of terror by sniping at other prominent slag heaps or chat piles in the area. He then managed to elude authorities as darkness fell on what had otherwise also been a very dark day.
It is next believed that 12th Street Ricky proceeded to an Indian Casino on the Oklahoma-Missouri border where he won a $200,000 jackpot on a $5.00 slot machine. He then shot up the bar with a high-powered rifle after descending into an extensive round of self-indulgent and drunken braggadocio.
The armed and dangerous, but well-financed, fugitive was next seen again in Arkansas where he stole ten cartons of cigarettes and a case of beer at gunpoint from a convenience store. It was there that he became enraged at a can of beer and murdered it with the assault rifle by placing the can atop the counter and shooting it execution-style.
12th Street Ricky then headed north at a high rate of speed, believed to have been in excess of 150 miles per hour, on a stolen Superbike with sidecar. He rode in the sidecar the entire time which further afforded him the time to shoot-up what, for any other person, would have been a lethal dose of methamphetamine. The armed desperado was not seen again until he checked into a low-budget motel on the outskirts of Joplin, Missouri.
Police raided the seedy motel room at 4:00 am and found 12th Street Ricky wide-awake under a blanket. By his side was a Model 1938 Turkish Mauser high-powered, bolt-action, military rifle equipped with a dull and rusty bayonet. He was wrapped in a bandolier containing 700 rounds of 8mm Turkish ammunition which was loaded into stripper clips of 5 rounds each. 12th Street Ricky was also wearing a homemade flak jacket armored with crushed beer cans and used diapers. On his head was a Nazi helmet. A diaper bag containing a complete meth lab was found under the bed. An unknown infant was found sitting on top of a large pile of sweet potatoes and carrots inside a laundry basket which was in the closet of the motel room. The infant was smoking a cigarette and eating a carrot when discovered, and appeared to be in good health.
12th Street Ricky is now in the County Jail. He is being held under detainers from counties in Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Kansas, in addition to pending charges in Missouri. These charges include, but are not limited to, attempted murder; kidnapping; assault with intent to mutilize [sic]; hijacking; arson; littering, to wit: cigarette packaging; unlawful discharge of a firearm within city limits; gambling with a minor; battery; assault with a firearm; providing alcohol to a minor; providing cigarettes to a minor; speeding; grand theft motorcycle; felon in possession of a weapon; child endangerment; and manufacture, possession, and distribution of a controlled substance and its precursors, including, but not limited to: methamphetamine and iodine. Additionally, each one of the above offenses may form the basis for a probation and/or parole violation on previous convictions.
It has been learned that 12th Street Ricky was out on bond for at least one other offense in Missouri when the above-mentioned further offenses took place. This may form the basis for the revocation of 12th Street Ricky’s bond on that matter or matters. Furthermore, it is believed that 12th Street Ricky may be responsible for the bomb threat which was called into an area preschool yesterday which could form the basis for a charge of terroristic threat.
Sheriff’s Deputies at the County Jail have reported that 12th Street Ricky denies any knowledge of the infant. The infant is being housed in the Pre-Juvenile, Baby-Pod of the County Jail. The Baby-Pod has been subject to lawsuits due to overcrowding. Sheriff’s Deputies report that they have just about fallen in love with the little cutie whom they have named Carrot Baby. They say that Carrot Baby has been chain-smoking unfiltered cigarettes non-stop since her arrival at the jail. Attempts to remove the cigarettes from her mouth have proven futile due to her extremely sharp baby teeth. She smokes the entire cigarette down to the nub, and then some, until it burns her little mouth. This has confounded all, as it has been without so much as a little cry of pain and, on the contrary, has been accompanied by a precious, little, smile of delight, according to the enraptured Deputies.
Deputies further report that Carrot Baby has refused all food other than cigarettes, beer, sweet potatoes, carrots, and barbecued potato chips. They say that Carrot Baby has expressed a deep admiration for Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow who escaped justice in the very same Joplin, Missouri, in 1933. They further report that Carrot Baby has waxed poetic on the beauty of the mountains of Picher, Oklahoma, and has expressed a desire to vacation there when this all blows over.
The connection between Carrot Baby and 12th Street Ricky is unknown at this time. 12th Street Ricky is thought to have been born and bred in Hellville, Arkansas. He is thought to be the “John Doe #2” defendant in “The Great Stolen Lawnmower Ring of 2015.” His common law wife, whereabouts presently unknown, but last seen lying in a gutter in Laughlin, Nevada, is reputed to be the entirely disreputable, never-to-be-spoken-of-again, notorious, Madame Hillbilly, who overcharged everyone and is believed to have fled to Romania in 2016 on a riding lawnmower. The connection of these two to Carrot Baby is unknown, but has certainly raised suspicions.
Carrot Baby has been charged with stunt riding on a public highway, driving a motorcycle without a helmet, driving a motorcycle without a license, driving a motorcycle in excess of the speed limit; driving a motorcycle in an excessively dangerous manner, to wit: speed and display of power. The County Prosecutor has stated that these charges are deduced from the facts that the motorcycle exceeded speeds of 150 miles per hour while 12th Street Ricky was under the influence of methamphetamine in the sidecar and that Carrot Baby was found in the closet of the motel room in which 12th Street Ricky was found. The County Prosecutor cites this as circumstantial, but compelling, evidence of Carrot Baby’s guilt.
Carrot Baby is being represented by nationally renouned cause célèbre defense attorney, Tortoise Rumph. He flew in from Los Angeles immediately upon the arrest and incarceration of Carrot Baby. The high-powered legal counsel has stated that, “Carrot Baby is the victim of small-minded, parochial, psychopathic, sycophants with a penchant for throwing the book at anyone who is a bit different than them.” In connection with this, Rumph pointed at the absurd litany of charges pending against Carrot Baby, with more likely to come. He has also directed skepticism at the claim that Carrot Baby could operate a motorcycle. Rumph says he will fight to keep out of evidence the rumors that Carrot Baby won the Isle of Man Tourist Trophy Mountain Course Sidecar Division Motorcycle Championship as a premature baby. He calls these rumors unsubstantiated and says that no evidence of the same has yet to be produced. Rumph concluded by saying, “Frankly, the cases against Carrot Baby are as thin as hammered piss.”
Rumph also pleaded for high-class, wealthy, childless Hollywood starlets to take a chance on Carrot Baby and provide her with the foster care and adoption at the level she deserves. “There are no bad babies, only bad parents,” Rumph said, taking an obvious shot of overkill at the already reviled 12th Street Ricky and Madame Hillbilly. A rumor spread through the courthouse like wildfire that Rumph had requested that the Court consider remanding Carrot Baby to the custody of an unnamed, but assuredly very beautiful and talented, Hollywood starlet he has contacted who has just left rehab a few weeks early. Courthouse wags are abuzz at the possibilities of just who this is and the rumor-mills are churning non-stop. A recently deceased, but astonishingly lovely, Hollywood starlet is rumored to be the stone-cold lock.
Rumph also tipped his hand on a possible defense, saying, “In the unlikely event these states pursue a case against a baby, Carrot Baby is neither responsible nor can she participate in her own defense. First, she is a baby and, second, she has suffered dramatically since her likely exposure to Picher, Oklahoma. Not only could she not form an intent to commit a crime, she also is not competent to stand trial as she cannot understand the charges against her. It is not pretty, folks, but you know it all too well and the name of it is lead poisoning. Proceed against Carrot Baby at your own peril. Today we are filing civil suits against the States of Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, and Arkansas, and the United States of America, in a to-be-named-later-today-big-reveal-wholly-irresponsible-plantiff’s-playground-paradise-jurisdiction and mark my words, Carrot Baby already owns you and you don’t even know it.”
Carrot Baby is also being represented under exclusive contract, for serious inquiries only, by a high-line talent agency with offices in Los Angeles, New York, and London.
The expected-to-be very lucrative, Carrot Baby Hedge Fund and Private Equity Firm is funding with discriminating exclusivity at this very moment in the major cities listed above as well as Chicago, Paris, Geneva, Dubai, Singapore, and Hong Kong.
Despite the Indian Casino jackpot, 12th Street Ricky has asked that the Court appoint a Public Defender to his cases, citing his long-standing affiliation with Public Defender offices across the nation and his generally good luck with the same. The County Prosecutor has asked that a cash bond of no less than $200,000 be set for 12th Street Ricky considering he is a flight risk as obviously demonstrated by the charge of hijacking an aircraft. Additionally, he stated that the robbery of a farmer’s market in southwest Missouri bears the hallmark of 12th Street Ricky’s modus operandi.
Reporting on this article has been assisted by correspondents of The Very Fake News in the Missouri, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Kansas, bureaus of the same. Thank you to them for their trustworthy and highly factual reportage, the credibility of which shall go appropriately unquestioned.