Environmental Disaster On Sale Today! Makes a great gift! For the whole family! Loads of fun! Includes integrated zombie defense tactics package.
Let’s get back to those potted trees. You know one tree, one zombie and all that jazz. Okay, per THE ROYALTY CAPITALIZED CONCEPT EXECUTION LICENSING LIMITED PARTNER, it is officially styled DECREE: GET GOING GREAT! GO GREENEST GREEN! ONE DEAD ZOMBIE=ONE LIVE TREE. Catchy, huh? But, I do think that might be working. The air here really isn’t that bad. I mean it still smells bad, don’t get me wrong, and you can still see the air, but the color is better. There’s a better ash content now and it’s not like you’re in a snowstorm all the time. I don’t want to get all official here, but the VISUAL PARTICULATE COUNT seems to have dropped to about AMELIORATION LEVEL 63. That’s much better. You can talk to THE OXYGEN LIMITED PARTNER about that.
What I can say, is that none of our guys liked the coffee air. Dang, that was bad. I can take tea air, but nobody likes coffee air and I mean nobody. We’re out here somewhere northwest of Custer’s New Territory and southeast of the Yukon Dry Riverbed Territory. We’re building a road and killing zombies. Just standard zombie defense tactics. And I can tell you, the air out here is not that bad. Did you know that when we were in the Quebec Mining Territory they called it cafe noir and cafe au lait air? (Pinkie finger, again.) I shine you not. You just can’t make this stuff up, anymore.
And I want to throw a special shout-out to the guys in THE STRATA LIMITED PARTNER while we’re at it. The Special Jackhammers have been bugging me to talk about them. The miners do wonders. It’s simple, really. The big show in THE STRATA LIMITED PARTNER is the giant 20-story electric shovels. My theory is that the zombies like to come in to get the buzz. You get out there by one of those giant shovels and you’ll know what I mean. They are eerily quiet, but, man, do they bring the wood. Every drag of that huge-ass (NOTICE: CENSORSHIP VIOLATION NOTICE) bucket brings up butt-loads (NOTICE: CENSORSHIP VIOLATION NOTICE) of metric tons of base metals and basic materials that we use in the GREAT INFRASTRUCTURE BUILD-OUT. I know I sound like a broken record, but it’s MANDATED. (MANDATED FORMALIZATION CONGRATULATIONS NOTICE: GO METRIC! IT’S EXOTIC! AND MANDATED!)
You drag that bucket through a seam of coal, a seam of iron ore, a seam of by-product, a huge scab of stupid zombies, get ’em up in the bucket and then dump them in a big pile. It will kill them dead. Just bury them in a huge SLAG HEAP (contact licensing agent – On Sale Now). When the bucket goes in again you smash a few dozen more under the bucket and then start all over again. Dig up a bunch of coal, a bunch of iron ore, a bunch of zinc, nickle, maybe GET LUCKY (NOTICE: VIOLATION NOTICE – FOR LIMITED PARTNER USE ONLY – NO EXCEPTIONS ALLOWED – SEE MANDATE) (NOTICE: CENSORSHIP VIOLATION NOTICE) with some copper, silver or gold, some platinum group metals, just happen to throw in a bunch of zombies, it’s a win-win for this country. Somebody’s got to make that rebar, somebody’s got to power those electric Gatling guns. We call that a scoop and score. You just dump that big old pile of coal and zombies into the train cars, rail ’em up to the power plant and burn ’em all up. And the lights go on every night for the LITTLE MISSUS, right boys? ‘Cause, Americas.
My own special little thing, my own little squishy place in my heart, damn those BITCHES, is for the guys out there in THE DRINKING WATER LIMITED PARTNER and THE PETROLEUM LIMITED PARTNER. First of all, we build roads and we kill zombies. Those roads we build are concave roads. Not convex, but concave, the water won’t roll off them. That’s because we want them concave and we want them to hold liquids. You’ve seen the canals we build on each side of every road. That’s for the liquids. And the zombies, HA HA.
Those canals kinda look like the Los Angeles River before THE RAZING OF LOS ANGELES, but you probably remember it from the movies if your old as the hills like me. That’s where the Water boys come in. See, we flood those canals with water and they flood the roads. The roads and canals hold the water. Those zombies don’t do real well in the water. DUCKS (NOTICE: CENSORSHIP VIOLATION NOTICE) and FISH (NOTICE: FRESHWATER FISH OF FRENCH GUIANA NOTICE – BRACKISH WATER VIOLATION NOTICE) they most assuredly are not.
But when things get really tight, we bring in the Petroleum boys. I know everyone hates them, but when you need them they get things right. You’ve probably guessed it by now, but we flood those canals, and in-turn the road, with all manner and type of liquid petroleum product we can get our hands on, which is pretty easy. And we light it up. It makes for great zombie defense tactics. As long as it takes a match we love it. There are some serious pyros in this outfit. Flow and glow, baby! It’s dirty and it’s hot, but the zombies don’t do real well in it, either. Flaming product on the loose, we love it. You should see it. It’s a real ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTER (contact licensing agent – ask for Manager – Today – Limited Run – CASH Only – Strictly Enforced – Eastern Hemisphere Sovereign Entities Strongly Encouraged, Well Accepted – No Language Barrier – Haggle-Free Return Policy – Sophisticated and Stunning).
Some of the boys around here are partial to lighter fluid. It puts on a real show. It’s available in huge quantities now that they’re refining the CRAP out of everything 24/7/365. RODEO numbers, man, these are CRAZY COWBOYS (contact licensing agent – Today – SEXY). And almost any refined product will do. It is really whatever is available in the pipelines, in the trucks, in the tanker ships, in the storage farms, in mass quantities right here and right now. I’m kinda partial to a 70/25/5 mix of transmission fluid, power steering fluid, and low viscosity oil. It’s all over the place. Is that weird? Are you judging me? Maybe you’d like to spend tonight out here with the Z babies while we’re five clicks away. Do you think you’d like that? Okay, sorry about that. I’ve been under lots of stress lately. And I told them, I’m no damn Hollyweird press agent. (MANDATED FORMALIZATION CONGRATULATIONS NOTICE: GO METRIC! IT’S EXOTIC! AND MANDATED!)