Zombie Defense Tactics: Highway Paved with Zombies – Part 1

By | February 24, 2016

This highway is paved with zombies.  Not only is this a demonstration of unique zombie defense tactics, it is also a great public works project.

THE HIGHWAY LIMITED PARTNER is in charge of this project.  You either get with it or you get out of the way.  These are tough men doing a tough job.  This highway stretches farther than the eye can see, out to the horizon and beyond.  Build it and they will come, we like to say.  We all used to be a bunch of baseball fans when that was around.  Every once in a while we break out a ball and a bunch of bats just to relax.  Then the zombies mess it up.  Half the time we just end up beating their heads in with the bats.  We love sports.

When EL BANCO PRIVADO 26 took over, we bid the job.  We got the H.  You can bet that cost plenty.  Now we just build and build and build.  There is no end to this road in sight.

This highway is a double-edged sword.  We build the road and we kill zombies.  It’s as simple as that.  It’s not rocket science.  For some reason these zombies like this project.  They are attracted to it.  I guess, for them, it’s the Highway to Hell.  We kind of make sure of that.

bulldozer-679989_1280

Here is how it works.  It’s real simple.  The zombies like to get up on this construction site.  So we just build the highway right over them.  They always come around.  I kind of think they like the equipment.  If EL BANCO PRIVADO 26 gets word of a scab of zombies, then they get the good news out to us pronto. Then we take the highway off in that direction.  That’s where we build.  So we are always building a road to the zombies.  That’s our MANDATE.  Those are our orders.  While we are getting there, we build right over any zombies that show interest in this project and they always do.  It’s just your basic zombie defense tactics.  They always show up.

Zombies Icon Yellow Diamond Warning Road Sign Classic White Coffee Mug

This is a real high speed project.  We build fast and we build hard.  The idea is to keep the machinery moving fast and moving at all times.  This heavy equipment works like a charm.  The bulldozer guys make us a mint off this.  First of all, they bulldoze the zombies right off the track.  They hit them at high speed with the blade down and run right over them.  The ones that aren’t mushed underneath, tend to pile up in front and then dribble out to the sides.  That’s not a problem, though, because we go in a formation, three-wide, five-wide, seven-wide, it’s quite a sight.  I’ve heard tales of a 15-wide formation working the desert on the eastern seaboard.  Man, what I wouldn’t give.   Talladega, baby!  So you get the drift, anyway, with the formation, the ones that aren’t mushed underneath dribble out to the sides and they are collected up by the next guy.  It’s just a constant run of mush, dribble, and collecting them up in the blades.  Then we just turn around and run it back the other way.  Just like Bonneville.

Zombie Defense Tactics: The Special Jackhammers – Part 2

There’s a special place in my heart for the road-grader crew.  Sure, they put the blade down and get things real smooth.  But when we are in Indian Country they are a sight for sore eyes.  You see, those babies are set pretty high to begin with and when they are moving along at top speed they really go.  We let our guys pull the blade up about 10 centimeters and, oh my gosh, you should see the carnage that ensues.  When they run over piles of zombies at high speed with that blade barely up, they just chop those zombies into gravel.  Just little bits here and there.  We do formations on the road-graders, too.  Same concept.  (MANDATED FORMALIZATION CONGRATULATIONS NOTICE:  GO METRIC!  IT’S EXOTIC! AND MANDATED!)

Zombie Defense Tactics: Environmental Disaster Sale – Part 3

Then we bring in the steamrollers and you get the idea.  Same deal.  We just steamroll those zombies right into the roadbed and asphalt them over.  We steamroll them flat as a pancake.  They end up being about this wide (shows the edge of a piece of paper).  By the time that asphalt cures, we’ve steamrolled them into a hard, nation-building, piece of man-made infrastructure this country can be proud of.  Damn proud and American made.  Well, partly American.  Of course, that doesn’t mean that much anymore.  Since EL BANCO PRIVADO 26 ruled on EXPANSION, we got all kinds of guys from south of the border, from south of their border, south of the canal, south of the big river, and south of that, too.  So I guess you could really say, Americas made.  This whole thing is all just one big road now.  The only thing we aren’t south of is Cape Horn and that isn’t for long.  I heard a rumor that EL BANCO PRIVADO 26 is gonna do a RECLAMATION, take the land back from the sea, and build a highway all the way to Antarctica.  Those damn zombies.  (NOTICE:  SPECIAL OBSERVATION NOTICE)

Zombie Defense Tactics: The Petroleum Flood – Part 4

Just because we are called THE HIGHWAY LIMITED PARTNER doesn’t mean that’s all we do.  All along the sides of the road, we build canals and parking lots, too.  We’re going to pave the entire North and South American continents before this job is done.  And we’re going to bring it in on-time and under-budget.  That’s the way this railroad runs.  Oh, and it goes without saying, we get us some freaky Z kills along the way.  Just standard zombie defense tactics, really.  It’s all about the BODY COUNT.

(DISCLOSURE NOTICE:  EL BANCO PRIVADO 26.  Type:  Limited partnership.  Partners:  26 private equity limited partners.  Demonstrated Minimum Captialization:  Exceeds one trillion Americas dollars per partner.  Currency Note:  One Americas dollar is roughly equivalent to two former United States of America dollars.  Liability:  None.  Headquarters:  Ancud, Chiloe Island.  Formation:  Gibraltar.  Registered Agent:  2 Rue Scribe, Cayenne.)

Leave a Reply