Zombie Defense Tactics: The Special Jackhammers – Part 2

By | February 25, 2016

An electric Gatling gun has been used in zombie defense tactics while building this highway and the Special Jackhammers have helped plant trees.

Just because we build a road doesn’t mean we won’t tear it up again.  If the zombies come back, we’ll just tear it up and start all over again from scratch.  This is THE HIGHWAY LIMITED PARTNER.  It’s all about building a road and killing zombies and that’s just what we do.  You ever see what an automatic jackhammer machine will do to a zombie’s head?  I didn’t think so.  We run those over the zombies, when they come back, and smash them to little pieces while tearing up the road.  Then we build it right back, same as before.  Formations, bulldozing, grading, steamrolling, gravel, rebar, concrete, asphalt (because of that damn outfit, THE PETROLEUM LIMITED PARTNER), torn-up zombies, the whole nine yards.  I haven’t even mentioned our heavy DUMP trucks.  It’s all just standard zombie defense tactics.  HELL, yeah, we even paint those little white, and yellow, stripes and place the little reflectors just so (holds up invisible tea cup with pinkie finger extended in a very dainty manner).  On-time and under-budget.  That’s us.


You ever heard of the Special Jackhammers?  There’s always 20 or 30 of those guys around with every crew.  We need them, too, because of THE ENVIRONMENTAL LIMITED PARTNER.  Yep, we COMPLY.  It’s damned if we do and damned if we don’t.  I call it the Mental Limited Partner, but don’t pass that around.  Most of the guys that are Special Jackhammers came over from Africa.  Big, strong guys that run a mean jackhammer.  I mean how do you think Africa became just one big OPEN PIT?  Well, it was guys like them.  But what we have them doing here is child’s play compared to digging up Africa.  But it’s MANDATED by, guess who, THE MANDATE LIMITED PARTNER.  And they are tight with some of these other partners, especially when it comes to matters of the white hat and the soft brain, if you ask me, and I guess you did.  Yep, say hello to THE WHITE HEART LIMITED PARTNER.  (NOTICE:  SPECIAL OBSERVATION NOTICE)

Zombie Defense Tactics: Highway Paved with Zombies – Part 1

So what they have these bad-asses doing, our Special Jackhammers, is such a joke, it’s cracking the pavement and digging up what we just built because, you know, it’s a MANDATE.  It’s a long story, but what it boils down to is that THE MANDATE LIMITED PARTNER got in cahoots with THE ENVIRONMENTAL LIMITED PARTNER over this issue of the numbers of dead zombies exceeding certain QUOTAS because, you know,  we’re efficient, on-budget, under-time and all that, it’s easy peasy out here.  They came up with this COCKAMAMY MANDATE, yes, that’s a real thing, HA HA, that said one dead zombie is the same as one new tree and they got it approved all the way up to THE T LIMITED PARTNER.  So every damn time we kill a zombie, which is like every day, all day long, every few minutes, every few damn seconds, and, when we are running formations, thousands per hour, this just gets ridiculous.  But we COMPLY because it is a MANDATE.  So long story short, the Special Jackhammers come in and break-up the pavement we’ve just made and dig a hole.  Then THE ENVIRONMENTAL LIMITED PARTNER comes in and plants a tree.  One tree for every dead zombie.  This desert is turning into a forest of potted trees right smack dab in the middle of the road we just built.  You can’t make this stuff up.

Zombies Icon Yellow Diamond Warning Road Sign 2 Inch Square Magnet

And I did not mention THE T LIMITED PARTNER (looking around furtively).  I did not mention that at all.  And not to change the subject, but you know what is kind of interesting, is that all of our guys carry personal weapons, too.  It’s just in case we get a lull in the road building action which is rare, but every once in a while one of our guys gets a blade down a little too deep and busts the top off some old town.  Then we gotta deal with the NERDS from the ANTE-CONSOLIDATION ARTIFACT LIMITED PARTNER.  Also every hundred kilometers or so some freaking zombie decathlete manages to jump up on a CAGE and the operator’s got to make it let go.  How those zombies do that I will never know.  We operate at speed.  I think some of these zombies are jacked-up on meth.  Seriously.  So, yeah, our guys carry, that’s a no-brainer.  So, as far as weapons, it’s like, whatever floats your boat, dude.  We don’t get too strict on that kind of thing unless it goes too far.  We don’t want any collateral damage in our crew, no friendly fire, no fragging, HELL, no, I’m a foreman.  But as long as you can handle what you got,  it’s Tallyho, BITCHES.  (MANDATED FORMALIZATION CONGRATULATIONS NOTICE:  GO METRIC!  IT’S EXOTIC! AND MANDATED!)

Zombie Defense Tactics: Environmental Disaster Sale – Part 3

These guys carry everything from tantos to flamethrowers.  Swords, spears, maces, steel spring batons (some razor-tipped), billy clubs, cross-bows, spear-guns, pistols, shotguns, rifles,  sub-machine guns, and some of these bigger guys like to use the belt-fed stuff, heavy machine guns.  Whatever gets the job done.  Just standard zombie defense tactics.  Nothing real EXOTIC.  We kind of said nyet to LAWS (MANDATED NOTICE:  Capitalization Committee Approved Acronym) rockets, RPGs (MANDATED NOTICE:  Capitalization Committee Approved Acronym), and bazookas while you’re on the machine.  But for just walking around carry, they are okay.  But you got to be able to operate heavy equipment at high speed and your weapon du jour, all at the same time.  So no explosive blast weapons in the CAGE.  That’s the way I see it around here and my word goes.  This is a little more than walking around, chewing bubble-gum and flipping BURGERS.

Zombie Defense Tactics: The Petroleum Flood – Part 4

I heard about one poor guy.  Had a custom-built, white phosphorous grenade launcher.  But he blew himself up.  Forgot about the CAGE.  Then there was this one guy when we were down in Mexas Territory.  This was before the flood.  That psycho had a harness-mounted, cantilevered-platform, hydraulic weight-jacking, belt-fed, electric Gatling gun that fired depleted uranium spikes.  That sucker would do 6,000 rounds per minute.  It was like an electric drill.  The idea was to miss the zombies, but hit some metal object next to the zombies, hopefully not your buddy’s rig, and that round would spall, spall, spall.  Sure, I love the smell of burning zombies in the morning, too, but that is cutting it a little too close for comfort.  Later on, I heard he had to petition THE COMPENSATION LIMITED PARTNER after he burned his hands up, so in theory it was a good idea, and HELLA effective, but, in practice, it was just too hot to handle, literally, so to speak.

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