I May Have Dodged a Home Invasion or a Wine and Cheese Party

I may have dodged a home invasion or a wine and cheese party, I’m not really sure which.  This was very suspicious.  These are the actual facts.

No unflattering detail has been spared.  And I do dish the dirt.

Real First Person Account

On Sunday afternoon, I was sitting on my butt, in an extremely grubby state, watching the Indy Car race with the sound completely off.  Thankfully, I really dodged a bullet here.  Plus, all my shades were drawn.  You see, someone was at my door.  They had no reason to think anyone was home except for the pesky BMW parked right outside all the time.  Normally, it blocks my sidewalk, but, unluckily, not this time.

Creeping like a Mouse

So I creep over to the door like a Christmas mouse, hopefully not making much noise, and I peer through the all-seeing-peephole-on-the-world.  There stands a middle-aged, blonde woman, with her back to the door.  Further out in the street is a guy wearing some type of boat shoes standing next to a Spyder-type Porsche.  I heard it pull-up just moments before my doorbell rang.  It was sitting in the fire lane on the other side of the street.  They were targeting me because they came straight to my door without going anywhere else on the street.

Anomalous Doorbell Ringing

What with all the home invasions I’ve been reading about, and the massive crime wave our fair city has devolved into, I was not sure about engaging with this Biff and Muffy/Bonnie and Clyde duo.  Who are these people?  What do they want?  No one ever comes to visit me and they certainly don’t drive a Porsche when the aren’t visiting me.  The only people who have ever rung my doorbell in the eight months since I moved here have been a couple of delivery men, a middle-aged woman with a nose ring, and Kathy, from round the block, who welcomed me the day I moved in.  The nose ring lady was campaigning, but later on I thought, “Why did I just throw the door open to her and invite her in, no less?”  This thought keeps recurring, so I decided earlier that I would not answer unsolicited visitors in an effort to ramp-up my security profile.

This Fact Needs Fact-Checking

And, as for Kathy, who never met a stranger, she finally did, and now she’s dead.

The Case for the Modern Sporting Rifle

According to my gun-toting friends, these days you need a high-capacity, semi-automatic, rifle to deal with the rash of home invasions which now often involve multiple assailants.  You have to bring hellfire down on the problem.  There were two of those problems right out front of my place.

Tradecraft

I put them under surveillance.  The guy just kind of hung back with his car, very untroubled, very relaxed, wearing an aqua-colored shirt and khaki  shorts.  This was very suspicious.  He was talking to the lady, but no matter where I peered out from I could not see her.  It was like she was in my bushes.  This was all very, very suspicious.

Rebuffed by The Water Thief

Finally, she goes to the next door neighbor, who, by the way, has been stealing my water, even while I was writing this, but all I can hear is the lady apologizing.  Finally, they get back in the silver, open-top, Porsche and are on their way.

A Tantalizing Dilemma

I am left with the dilemma of who and what they are.  Who, what, when, where, why, and how, I can’t tell you.  They were out there a long time, considering the entire span and purpose of the event.  Probably about seven or eight minutes of milling-around.  Threatening me with a home invasion.  Possibly ever more dangerous, an attempted wine and cheese party.

They Could Have Poisoned Me

The amount of imbecilic cooing that could have ensued at the attempted wine and cheese party could have turned my premises into a Superfund site.

My Cat is Okay

It should also be noted that my cat did not even bother to get up off the chair we had both been sitting in when this dangerous ordeal started.

The Investigation

So now that they officially messed-up my life, my thinking cap got on in a big way.  Was this some kind of campaign whistle stop?  They only targeted my place and the neighbor on one side, not anyone across the street or on down the street to either side.  Was it someone I knew?  I did not know these nefarious people in their most assuredly stolen Porsche.  Are they coming back?  I sure hope not, but I am a bit worried about what they wanted.  However, one random attempt at contact surely does not necessarily portend anything important.  Please just send me a certified letter from your attorney next time.

The Diabolical Plot

I finally believe I got to the bottom of their diabolical plot.  My theory is that they were cruising the neighborhood in their fancy car, with the top down on a Sunday afternoon, and they dropped by to see friends that are no longer here.  I was not the target of this attempted wine and cheese party, but, instead, the target was someone who lived here earlier.

Revealing the Actual Target

I still get mail to other previous residents of this place.  One of them has a company name that is something like “Nasty Trucking.”  They probably party, but not with wine and cheese.  Another is always getting weight reduction mail.  She, obviously, is a suspect considering all that cheese.  Finally, I got it.  They were here to see the people I purchased this place from, Hong, the renowned Chinese surgeon, and his exquisite wife, the half-French, half-Vietnamese, half-Chinese, Sum Tan.

The Romantic Backstory 

The exquisite Sum Tan warmed my Occidental face the enchanting moment I first saw her.  It was a blaze of rising sun beauty that stirred my warmongering heart just as her ancestors had done to Sun Tzu 2,500 years earlier even though he specifically warned others against it in writing.  I can explain neither these feelings nor the significant amount of rice she left in my basement when she departed.  Hong, the renowned, but homely, surgeon felt this, too.  In a pique of overbidding, he paid three baskets of celery for her hand 20 years ago in Taipei.  Her father drove the hard bargain even further insisting the celery be chopped and cleaned.  Hong countered with a demand for the rest of her body.  A deal was had.

Present Day Bliss and Turmoil

To this very day, the romance of Hong and Sum Tan remains a beautiful reminder of all that is love.  They especially love movie night.  Their favorites are Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker.  They cackle with glee at the unintentionally hilarious dialogue.  This usually devolves into a bitter argument over whether the hilarity of the dialogue is indeed unintentional.

Dishing the Promised Dirt 

In an ironic, but sordid, twist on their beautiful story of love, Hong then carries Sum Tan to “The Light Green Room” and beats her with stalks of celery in a controlled-fury rarely seen outside of the former French penal colony of New Caledonia.  “Chop” is their safe word, a touching reminder of another world and days gone by.  Later on, they send their friends indecent photos of the whole thing under #movienight #goals #porscheclub.  Perhaps I have said too much.

Sweet Vindication

See, I told you, the purported wine and cheese party couple who threatened me today was very suspicious.