Pugilist: The Shocking Story of Jimmy ‘Lectroshock Dimtone

Pugilist:  The shocking story of Jimmy ‘Lectroshock Dimtone.  While no man ever beat him, aside from the comas, he met his match in the fabulous Mitsy.

Jimmy Dimtone was born on May 5, 1950, in Lawton, Oklahoma, which, as everyone knows, is the biggest drug town in Oklahoma.

Accordingly, at the age of four years and six months, he was determined to be addicted to heroin and was shipped-off to rehab.  After 28 days he was pronounced “CURE!” and was released on his own recognizance.

Since he had no mother or father, a product of the spontaneous birth phenomenon, he walked, and ran, all the way south to Chihuahua, Mexico, a journey that took him six months, and crawled into a cardboard Everlast box out back of a boxing gym.  It was there that his boxing talent was recognized when the box was opened and he knocked out the reigning world featherweight champion.  His journey to the top of the boxing world had begun.  He was now a world-weary five years of age.

There was no time to ever learn to read or write because of his sparring sessions, emptying the spit buckets, weight cuts, and he dropped out of school and any formal education by the age of six while setting a record for chronic TRUANCY!  He was now at the school of hard knocks and majoring in the fistic arts with a minor in a devastating left jab and a taste for the ladies.

At the Mexican Gold Globes tournament of 1957, he sustained approximately 1,500 punches to the head in three rounds from a brute teenager, and, despite the required headgear, he lapsed into a coma.  He was all of 7 years old.

From there his career flourished.  For the next ten years, while still in a coma, he made his pro debut and racked up a gaudy record of 75-0-0 and then suffered the only blemish, a no-contest in which he caused an own-stoppage with a vicious low blow.  However, this miraculously woke him with a start from his coma.

Now 75-0-1, he became addicted to electroshock therapy and bootleg designer clothing.  After pulling a bank robbery in El Paso, Texas, and doing five years of hard time, he emerged from the joint rock-hard, ripped, with a bad attitude and a nasty prison house right hook that took him all the way to the Texas State Pen welterweight title.

Upon his release from prison, he headed straight for Las Vegas and the swank offices of a well-known boxeo promoter.  It was there that he destroyed an entire elevator lobby while shadow boxing, whirling around like a dervish and smashing cigarette ashtrays and mirrors as well as a table and a priceless MING! DYNASTY! vase and critically injuring a shady accountant.  The promoter was so astonished at this unhinged display that he signed him on the spot.  He was from that point christened ‘Lectroshock and every opponent from there on feared his devastating right hook and its paralyzing effect just as surely every FEY! damsel fell under his highly charged sway.

At the age of 23, he won the world welterweight title and promptly fell into a coma again.  This time the coma was very deep, so deep, in fact, that he next awoke 20 years later.  Undeterred, however, he petitioned and was granted the right to defend his title and he did so in a glorious shower of punches and bravado the likes of which had never been seen before.  ‘Lectroshock Dimtone was on top of the boxing world again.  He was now 43 years old.

He immediately proposed, propositioned, and proposed in triple threat fashion to a certified gold digger, part-time boxing promoter, and porn star, the fabulous “Mitsy,” on the LE VEGAS STRIPE! who immediately took him for all his money, worldly possessions, dignity and honor, divorcing him less than 17 hours later.  Unfortunately, the legitimacy of the marriage was “in fact” as the well-traveled Mitsy made sure (once again).  NOTORIOUS!

The hapless Jimmy was now divorced, but footloose and fancy free, but also broke, but also world champion, but he also immediately fell into yet another coma, but this time his trainer administered bootleg Mexican electroshock therapy in an effort to boost him out of the coma, but it was to no avail, but also repeated low blows, but also, tragically, this failed, but also caused a massive amount of pain to the fists of his trainer which were not only bruised, but also broken, despite the professionally prepared taping and eight ounce Reyes gloves, “The Puncher’s Gloves,” (not paid) favored by Mexican fighters, but also many others.

Jimmy remains comatose and in a coma.  Undeterred.  Proud.  Fearless.  He filed the papers with the state election commission and ran for state boxing commissioner and won overwhelmingly in a landslide victory.  Still in a coma, he administers the business of boxing in the state while completely energetic and still finding time to judge many fights himself, especially world title fights, and is considered to be a top-flight judge.

Ever the fitness buff, while hiking in the desert he fell down a abandoned mine shaft, the deepest in the state, which was then immediately buried under a landslide caused by an earthquake.  He remains there today, entombed, still in a coma, but conducting business via cellphone, a tireless and dedicated worker, and he has filed a lawsuit against a low-profile porn attorney just in case.

That is the shocking legacy and the tantalizing story of one of the all-time greats whom we call our own.  We will always be indebted to and remember, with shock and awe, one of the greats, Jimmy ‘Lectroshock Dimtone, one of the greater greatest of our boxeo times, a true pugilist we will hold in our collective hearts forever.