This Day in History: The Bombay, Singapore, and Hong Kong Trading House Partners Consortium, Limited, Scandal Tragedy Disaster.
FOR THE PRESS: For General Release
A brief statement of the deepest and utmost regret from the Bombay, Singapore, and Hong Kong Trading House Partners Consortium, Limited.
January 23, 1892
It is with the deepest and most sincere regret that the Bombay, Singapore, and Hong Kong Trading House Partners Consortium, Limited, is compelled to issue a brief statement of utter remorse and heartfelt apology concerning the recent activities of an extremely limited number of very junior trading associate trainees within the august confines of the Singapore branch of our East Indian trading operations in which these extremely junior probationary trainees, who had not yet achieved full trading status, became enamored with the somewhat suspect charms of a certain Miss B, a young woman of slight repute, who, along with her even younger charges of even slighter repute, apparently made their inexorable way from the hinterlands of the Malay Peninsula into the inner sanctums of the aforesaid Bombay, Singapore, and Hong Kong Trading House Partners Consortium, Limited, which has been doing business in East India for over 200 years as the foremost purveyor of imported and exported goods and services in the East Indian seas and beyond, tracing its heritage to the very founding of the British Empire, upon which the sun never sets, and, as well, never sets upon the highly regarded standards and practices of said Bombay, Singapore, and Hong Kong Trading House Partners Consortium, Limited, which, for the sake of brevity, shall hereinafter be known simply as the Bombay, Singapore, and Hong Kong Trading House Partners Consortium, Ltd., who have had the privilege to conduct business in East India on behalf of the entire British Empire and the Royal Majesty of the Crown, all the while accruing substantial sales and profit for the partners of the same said Bombay, Singapore, and Hong Kong Trading House Partners Consortium, Ltd., and, furthermore, it should be noted, without a single degree of hesitation, that said sales and profits have been substantially, and in large part, accrued within the spirit of the very principles of Chartered Accountancy, for the profit of said partners, all the while providing training for the very junior probationary trading trainees who have now brought disrepute into the very chambers of our commerce, but who shall be rooted out like the very vermin of our ships, given no quarter, and forced to walk the plank for the liberties they have taken with said denizens of the Malay Peninsula, whose charms, such as they may be, have utterly eluded the Board of Directors of the Bombay, Singapore, and Hong Kong Trading House Partners Consortium, Ltd., to such a degree that, on behalf of the Board of Directors of this esteemed institution, l have sought the opinion of the finest legal scholars, both at the University of Oxford and the University of Cambridge, regarding the full legalities of summary execution of said novice junior trainee probationary parasites, said execution to occur at dawn here in Singapore, while London sleeps a very comforting and secure sleep knowing that the keen reputation of the very, right, British Empire is at stake, endangered as it was, so to speak, by the unjust and incomprehensible actions of our erstwhile sub-junior novice, apprentice, young, and no doubt dubious trading trainees, who exhibited the audacity, without the courteous advance notice of any such proclivity, to dabble in the dangerously damp gutters of undesirable precincts of the city of our fine and gracious hosts, with the denizens of the same said putrid sewers, those ungracious, infidel, ill-mannered, Hostesses of Hades, who have so neglectfully failed to act in an upstanding and forthright manner, their slight repute being so open and notorious in said precincts that I have additionally inquired of the same said Oxford and Cambridge legal professors as to the possible, damn the propriety, execution of said gutter trash, the most vile filth, that only the most infamous name of horror, The Whitechapel Murderer, who shall go unnamed in this most reputable jurisdiction, could be enticed, yet these same said newborn children, who posed as trainee traders, were so entranced by what inconceivable charms this pox possessed, that the mind is only boggled, so boggled, in fact, that the only just desserts, for all parties to this travesty, is execution at the first hint of sunlight tomorrow, by a firing squad composed of the finest the Crown has to offer, but, sadly, I must report, as it is my most disagreeable duty, that said wholly righteous and just actions are most unfortunately impermissible under the Criminal Codes of Singapore, and, any desirable thoughts in that regard must somehow be curtailed as I stand before you, humbled, and apologize not only to all of the East Indian partners of the Bombay, Singapore, and Hong Kong Trading House Partners Consortium, Ltd., but most assuredly to the House of Lords, the House of Commons, the Entirety of the British Empire and, foremost, to His and Her Majesty, The Royal Crown, for the substantive indiscretions of the premature newborn junior trading trainees who were so hypnotically enticed to engage in the unnatural behaviors which heretofore have been mentioned, however indiscreet those admissions might be, and were so apparently compelled to partake of the poisons and passions of the persons of the night who pierced their formerly fair hearts, the suspect sirens of Singapore’s most infamous quarters, I must now submit my resignation and ask for you to honor the same as it is my desire to go forth into the night evermore as, you see, without full regret, I must admit to enjoying those same said suspect charms of the Malay madams of slight repute whilst alongside my, perhaps, understandably inexperienced charges, the possibly misunderstood young apprentices, and I only hope, God help me, you can see it in your hearts to forgive me.
Sir Tyrannus Hamilcar Simplex-Wellbottom , OBE, Chairman of the Board and President, of the Bombay, Singapore, and Hong Kong Trading House Partners Consortium, Limited
P.S. Please convey my dearest and undying love to my wife back in Mayfair. I am so sorry, Bootsy. Perhaps a stroll in the park would do you some good. Please do remember to take your umbrella.