Zombie Defense Tactics: The Petroleum Flood – Part 4

The PETROLEUM FLOOD OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS was supposed to enable great zombie defense tactics, but the zombies got rich instead.

This is a PETROLEUM FLOOD OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS.  It’s like a million year flood.  You’ve got the Great Oil Lake out west.  You’ve got the Mighty Light Sweet River cutting the country in two.  What used to be West Texas is now under the Intermediate Gulf.  That ruined half of Mexas.  You’ve got the Iranian Heavy Sea which is out of control, and you’ve got the Brent Sea which swamped out AMSTERDAM (contact licensing agent – Make Offer).  It’s great for zombie defense tactics, but danged if the Z boys didn’t get freaky solvent.  Oil, oil, everywhere and not a drop to drink.  You think THE DRINKING WATER LIMITED PARTNER is making out in this mess?  HELL, the Great Oil Sands Lakes have just turned to tar.  What used to be a navigable waterway from Buffalo to Chicago might as well be the La Brea Tar Pits.  THE DRINKING WATER LIMITED PARTNER!  It’s a license to steal!

Zombie Defense Tactics: Highway Paved with Zombies – Part 1

But I’ll get off my SOAPBOX (contact licensing agent – Going Out Of Business Sale).  Like I said, when you need them they are golden and you got to love the Water and Petroleum boys.  Come HELL, or high water, or freaking high oil, just don’t ever let them get together.  The D&P together as a limited partner, oh my gosh, I did not say that, that would crush this world.  I never thought I’d say it, but thank goodness for EL BANCO PRIVADO 26 and the ANTI-TRUST DECREE/ANTI-MONOPOLY MANDATE.

Zombie Defense Tactics: The Special Jackhammers – Part 2

I hope I die (NOTICE:  UNEXPLODED LAND OR HARBOR MINE ORDINANCE WARNING ORDINANCE VIOLATION) (NOTICE: UNAUTHORIZED UNCOMPENSATED USE OF VIOLATION WORD VIOLATION)  (NOTICE: (NOTICE: UNAUTHORIZED UNCOMPENSATED USE OF VIOLATION WORD VIOLATION) VIOLATION) (NOTICE: NOTICE NOTICE) (NOTICE:  RIDING MOWER NOTICE) (NOTICE:  MALVUNCTION NOTICE) (NOTICE:  STOP NOTICE) before the Water and Petrol boys ever hook-up.  Maybe that’s just me, I don’t know.

Zombie Defense Tactics: Environmental Disaster Sale – Part 3

Anyway, there is a flood of gasoline everywhere in this country and that’s what we use 99.9 percent of the time in zombie defense tactics.  Just good old 87 octane does just fine.  But I will say, in my most fevered dreams, I feel the warming glow of jet racing fuel smouldering in the canals.  Oh, yeah.  And above the Arctic Circle, I heard they used liquified natural gas.  When that stuff blows, it blows.  And it’s cold as HELL.

Visit the LZ Lark Store on Zazzle

But they can’t do that anymore, anyway, because THE BUBBLE LIMITED PARTNER got a DECREE that declared it ENVIRONMENTAL TORTURE (contact licensing agent at night desk – ask for 12th Street Ricky – For Sale to Highest Bidder – CASH Customers Only – Will Consider Trade for Controlled Pharmaceutical Warehouse Inventory [note:  buyer must provide forklifts and forklift operators – only open-shop].  Other Trades Considered:  EXOTIC Call Girl Ownership – Thermonuclear Weapons – Precious Metals Depositories – Supersonic Executive Jets – Presidential Pardons – Titled Royalty – Principalities – First World Assassinations – Baker’s Dozen Third World Assassinations – Get Creative – Impress Us – GET SEXY).

Who really cares, anyway, there is plenty of gasoline for everyone.  First, DIRECTED MAGMA INFUSION went mainstream.  Then that idiot lit a CIGARETTE and started the Port of Spain Chain Reaction Disaster.  Ever since then the morons at THE PETROLEUM LIMITED PARTNER have paid all the other LPs to take product from them. They refine every bit of oil they can pump, dig, blast, or steam out of the ground, into every product known to man, everything in massive quantities way beyond the demand, and way beyond what they can store.  Then they just give it away.  They pay you to take it and get rid of it.  THE LAW LIMITED PARTNER got the DECREE.  It’s a COMPENSATED LIQUIDATED FORCE MAJEURE BAILMENT which is Chinese for we’re all screwed up, so, here, just take it, get rid of it, and we’ll pay you.  Well, of course, it’s not you and me, but EL BANCO PRIVADO 26.

And that includes THE ZOMBIE LIMITED PARTNER.  Yep, the Z boys took it, took it and took it.  And it paid, paid and paid.  You ever wonder how THE ZOMBIE LIMITED PARTNER got so fat?  You ever see a zombie drive a car?  Well, they never use a drop.  It’s all profit.  It’s amazing, but even those deadbeats make mad stacks of CASH.  I still don’t know how they do it, but I guess there’s always got to be one bad apple in the bunch.  THE ZOMBIE LIMITED PARTNER, gotta love those LITTLE BASTARDS (contact licensing agent – Liquidation Sale – No Offer Refused).  You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them.  It’s a real Catch-22.  It’s like firemen without fire.  But THE UNNATURAL DISASTER LIMITED PARTNER makes sure that never happens.

And here, well you know it, were building roads and killing zombies, just standard zombie defense tactics, one goes with the other, hand in hand, if you want to call that thing a hand, and we’re doing a crackerjack job, on-time, early and under-budget.  We are damn straight and our roads are damn straight, unless we gotta make a hair-pin turn to get some Z babies.  You may have heard of us, we’re called THE HIGHWAY LIMITED PARTNER.

But there is one thing sticking in my craw.  Okay, maybe a whole MOUTHFUL, cause I’m plenty ticked-off.  When the one-percenters, and I did not say that name, quiet, controlled the country there was plenty for everyone.  That was before the, you know, the, uh, 1-%-ers (now making strange hand gestures), if you get my drift, and keep it down, were DISAPPEARED.  There was plenty to go all around.  Everybody lived off the fat of the land.  It was good times were had by all, a chicken in every pot, two kids on the lawn, dogs, cats, and a RIDING MOWER (NOTICE:  RIDING MOWER NOTICE), good things all.  You know, everybody was HAPPY (RED LETTER NOTICE:  DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CONTACT LICENSING AGENT – NO LONGER AVAILABLE – SOLD OUT).  But after THE T LIMITED PARTNER ordered CONSOLIDATION, nobody has nothing.  Nobody has anything, pardon my FRENCH.  Nobody has jack freaking squat.

Things used to be great, but now the entire world is in the hands of EL BANCO PRIVADO 26.  The 26 damn little DECREES.  The 26 damn little pieces of paper.  The 26 damn little pieces of paper about as thin as the zombie carcasses that line this freaky-Z avenue.  The 26 damn little pieces of paper that are as thin as JACKHAMMERED ZOMBIE PISS (MANDATED NOTICE:  CAPITALIZATION COMMITTEE APPROVAL PENDING FURTHER REVIEW) (Internal Notice:   Intellectual Property Notice – Trademark/Trade Name/Copyright Notice – Review/Clear/Process Immediately – see Patent Guy, 51st Floor – Note to Steve:  EBP26 wants this badly).

Screw the capitalization FAERIES.  And you can print that and quote my rosy red cheeks.  My name is Jack F. Squat.  Just spell it right, okay?  Well, look, I’m sorry.  This is a bunch of crap.  You either have or you have not.  You are either in or you are out.  But, hey, if you got the firepower, right?  Might makes right.  This world makes way for petroleum bombs.  Those damn Petroleum boys.  NAPALM.  Who knew it’s just jellied gasoline?  That’s all it freaking is.  But I got a road to build and zombies to kill.  At least I have this job.  I’m just a guy out here.  I’m a nobody, a NO-NAME.  I’m just out here on the frontier.  In this desert.  Maybe the heat and the cold got to me a bit.  I don’t know.  I don’t know much anymore.  I don’t know the answers and I don’t even know the questions.  I don’t know you, or who the HELL you are, or where you came from.  And I did not say anything.  No, I did not.  And I’ve never even heard of THE T LIMITED PARTNER.  Now, get out of my way, I’ve got a diesel to drive.

(NOTICE:  REVIEW NOTICE) (NOTICE:  CANCELLATION NOTICE) (NOTICE:  WITH PREJUDICE NOTICE) (NOTICE:  SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES NOTICE) (MANDATE NOTICE:  PROCEED NOTICE) (APPROVAL NOTICE:  THE T LIMITED PARTNER NOTICE) (APPROVAL NOTICE:  SO ORDERED NOTICE) (SECOND APPROVAL NOTICE:  THE T LIMITED PARTNER SECOND APPROVAL NOTICE) (GRAVITAS NOTICE:  EXCEPTIONAL NOTICE)(FINAL NOTICE:  SPOILATION NOTICE) (SECOND FINAL NOTICE:  SANITIZATION NOTICE) (END NOTICE:  CONFIRM NOTICE) (CONFIRM END NOTICE: CONFIRM END NOTICE)