With deepest regret, the sad task has fallen upon this esteemed publication, to wit: informing the world that the beloved Carrot Baby has died.
Carrot Baby died early this morning in a gloriously sporting attempt to escape from the County Jail. Allegedly, Carrot Baby blew through the sally port of said facility on a hopped-up and reinforced racing lawnmower. With Sheriff’s Deputies in white-hot pursuit, she met head-on with a steamroller, a meeting which she did not survive. Carrot Baby was not wearing a helmet. She was issued a summons, to wit: Failure to Elude.
Earlier that morning, Carrot Baby was issued a jailhouse reprimand for assaulting and mutilizing (sic) a corrections officer, to wit: Death by Hacking.
Rumors have circulated that Carrot Baby died with a cigarette dangling from her lips and a meth syringe planted firmly in the crook of her little arm. Choking back tears, 12th Street Ricky said, “She died as she lived.”
In the face of incontrovertible evidence, to wit: she was steamrooled (sic), County officials have placed the cause of death of Carrot Baby as asphyxiation from an aspirated object, to wit: a barbecued potato chip (BBQ). They have cited preliminary reports from the County Coroner as their source for this tragic information.
The County Coroner’s preliminary notes, which have been acquired by Breaking Newsflash, in an never-before-seen, Breaking Newsflash Exclusive, indicate a likely cause of death as, to wit: Jealousy Rage. Secondary causes of death have been listed as, to wit: Emphysema, Bad Meth, Snack Chip, Pancake Steamrooling (sic), Lead Poisoning, Jailhouse Abuse, and BBQ.
Carrot Baby shall lie in repose in The Rotunda of the State Capitol of Arkansas, in Little Rock. A larger-than-life Carthage Marble statue of Arkansas’ Favorite Daughter shall grace the grounds of the State Capitol which shall feature not only her trademark cigarette, held in place by her fierce, and sharp, little teeth, but also the tragic syringe. A heated debate has broken-out among legislators as to whether the memorial shall depict her little wrists being handcuffed behind her back or in front of her. The Arkansas Supreme Court is expected to grant certiorari in this matter.
The highest slag heap in Picher, Oklahoma, will be renamed in her honor, to wit: Massif Orange. Previously known as Slag Heap, it has a commanding view of the other surrounding slag heaps. Her remains will be entombed within this blight. Rest in Peace, little Carrot Baby (RIP).
Madame Hillbilly and 12th Street Ricky have joined in multi-jurisdiction litigation seeking posthumous adoption of the erstwhile adulterine bastard in a special remedy utilizing a nunc pro tunc order in furtherance of a wrongful death claim. Both have denied a remunerative motivation.
12th Street Ricky defended the filing of the lawsuit, stating, “We don’t have any rumors of motives at all. We just want a cash settlement by Saturday night.”